Are You Investing in Your Relationship Bank?

Did you think about your bank account balance today? Did the total amount available cross your mind as you were picking up a light lunch and using your debit or credit card? Given the recent state of the world’s economy, you are probably more cost-conscious than ever before. I know that I am. But, did your relationship bank enter into your thoughts today, too? Did you consider other costs included in your day besides simply the money you spent?

When I think about a relationship bank, it’s my way of describing the debits and credits, or the investments, made to our most important relationships. When was your last deposit into your relationship bank? Have you recently spent quality time with someone that mattered to you? Did you consider whether your efforts today helped you to build a better relationship with someone than before? Maybe you redeemed a few credits that you had accrued in the past by calling in a couple favors? Or did your choices and actions cost you your relationships instead?

Is your busyness affecting your relationships?

Life is demanding, and whatever keeps you physically busy also keeps you mentally busy. Between working to make a living and taking care of the responsibilities of your family and your home, you’re probably feeling pulled in many different directions during every waking moment. And your mind is running through all of the to-do lists constantly. So, you probably don’t have much of a chance to slow down and to take a minute to relax during a typical day.

Do you find yourself talking to someone you love but not really hearing what he is saying? Are you thinking about the presentation that you need to give tomorrow instead? Or are you texting or checking your emails while attempting to listen simultaneously at dinner in a restaurant? Perhaps you are talking on the phone with a friend but multi-tasking through the entire conversation. Can you hear in her voice how much she wants or needs a few minutes of your undivided attention?

When I think about my measure of a successful life, I am concerned about my relationships with family and friends that mean the most to me. Although I work hard and value my ability to earn a living, I also believe that money is not as much fun to have if I don’t have people in my life to share it with me. So, I need to find time amidst the busyness of life’s demands to cherish the relationships I have. And when there is only a limited amount of time and a finite level of energy, how can I do that?

Are you present in the moment with family and friends?

I think the answer is in being regularly and truly present in the moment when spending time with those I value. It means setting aside my thoughts about work when I’m listening to my husband and trying not to multi-task through our conversations. It means leaving my cell phone at home while we take a half-hour walk around the block after dinner. It means allowing him to finish his thoughts before I interrupt him with my response. It means taking a minute to listen to my niece when she has a question; it means returning a phone call to a close friend promptly even if I only have a few minutes to talk. Ultimately, it means being truly present in the moment even if I don’t have that many moments to spare. All of this takes effort and focus, but why else would I want to be otherwise?

Decades from now, I don’t want it said about me that I focused only on work and didn’t make time for my family and friends. Once time has moved forward, there is no possibility of reliving that same moment. No amount of begging or borrowing is going to turn back the clock. And when you are talking about relationships with family and friends, there is no way to make up for that lost time sometime later. How many times have you watched a movie, seen a show on television, or heard a story about missed opportunities for building and developing relationships?

Relationships are a continual give and take

Don’t get me wrong; my relationship bank is not about keeping track of exact numbers or having a tally. It’s about the give and take of any amazing friendship or relationship. It definitely takes effort from both parties involved to make this work. But, there is no doubt in my mind that if you’re lucky enough to have someone who is there for you, day or night, anytime you need something, then you must have invested time, effort, and energy into that relationship regularly over a period of time and been present in the moment each time you interacted.

I’ve lived my life with this relationship bank idea for a long time. I have some amazing friends across the country that I’ve kept in touch with over the years. Although our conversations may not be as often as we’d like them to be, we do make an effort to catch up with an actual conversation over the phone every few months or so. Because of our long history, it’s easy to pick up wherever we last left off and just keep the conversation going. Each time we interact, it’s another credit into our relationship bank to keep that connection alive and well even across the miles. And someday in the future, if I need something, I know that person will be there for me when I call.

Your personal outlook affects your relationships more than you realize

A few years ago, in one of my book clubs, we read The Nine Rooms of Happiness by Lucy Danziger and Catherine Birndorf, MD. It is filled with stories of juggling life’s issues and dealing with the challenges of relationships, especially applicable to you if you are in the early stages of raising a family and building a career. I found the ideas encouraging and helpful in dealing with my own life’s situations and learned a few things about myself. There are plenty of suggestions for using mind over matter and specific ways to change your outlook to create a life of calmer waters. So, if you feel as though you are being run over by all of life’s demands, this book might be helpful to you, too.

Even though I’ve never talked about this relationship bank with anyone specifically, I’ve realized that not everyone in my life thinks about relationships this way. If the effort to communicate and to stay in touch only comes from one party, eventually the desire to stay in touch dwindles. The lines of communication have to run two ways; being the one always to initiate or to receive is not nearly as rewarding as when both parties make the effort to connect.

You can’t buy a real relationship

For most individuals, money makes the world go around and it’s tougher to live well without it. However, you simply cannot stop in at the local retail store and buy yourself a solid relationship with a long history. The connections you have with those in your life are created only through an investment of your time and honest effort. Life is a matter of balance and everything is interconnected. Choices have consequences that affect your quality of life. When I reflect on my relationship bank, I want to see it overflowing with the sincere connections I’ve made with those most important to me.

Since the future is uncertain and the past cannot be changed, only in the present can you make a difference. So, be present. Be in the now with those you cherish. You won’t regret it. I promise.